So, let me help you feel better! This is not going to be exactly as you are picturing. While you are pregnant, it is sometimes difficult to imagine how your family will reform and shape with this new person in the mix. You can have a positive effect now, but some of the outcome is out of your control. Your eldest child will have moments when they feel that having a younger sib is awesome, and moments when they think it is awful. Not only is there nothing you can do to change this, you don’t need to stress about it.
Having a sibling will offer your older child so many opportunities for growth! He will benefit from this as a person, even when he doesn’t love it. Family relationships give children the chance to learn about communication, negotiation and compromise. Living in close proximity to another person close to their age helps them develop skills like compassion and self-protection, how to handle teasing, how to stand up for himself, and also to consider someone else’s point of view.
To have the best experience possible for your older child, focus on two goals. One is to make the experience as “normal” as possible, and the other is to help your child keep his sense of self and importance in his relationship with you and his other parent as he transitions from only child to bigger family.
Normalizing the Experience
- If you or your partner has a sib, tell lots of age-appropriate stories. Share stories about what was great, and also a couple about not liking it all the time.
- If your child has friends that have sibs, point it out. Both older and younger siblings make good examples. “Your best friend Jon is the younger brother. This baby will be like Jon is to his brother Raj.”
- Use the media. Joanna Cole has a great book I’m a Big Brother or I’m a Big Sister. Most kid series TV shows have videos about this – “Three Bears and New Baby” is a Sesame Street favorite. Start these early and your child’s love of repetition will help.
- Talk about the plan for the big day – who will your child stay with, when will she see you and talk to you, what awesome stuff will she get to do while you’re at the hospital helping the baby be born?
- Give her a special job after the birth. Maybe she gets to call friends and family to announce the birth? Perhaps she gets to tell everyone the baby’s name? She could pick out the baby’s special blanket and wrap it and bring it for the baby. Some people recommend having the baby “buy” a gift for the older child. This can seriously backfire, though: “The baby didn’t get me that! There is no room for a bike in your belly, mommy!”
- Give the older sib an ongoing responsibility. Maybe he always helps give the baby a bath. Perhaps he has a job to get the special blanket for the crib every night at bedtime.
- Point out with words when you are giving him attention ahead of the baby. When your second child is tiny, and the eldest wants your help, try saying to the baby “You’re going to need to wait a minute, I’m helping your big brother now.” This creates a sense of balance for an older child who is often stuck waiting for the baby’s needs to be met. You can even say this to a sleeping newborn – your older child will still feel important.
- Consider the long haul. Remember that it takes even the most mature kids about 3-6 months to internalize the information that this new person is here to stay. So, you may see reactionary behaviors set in a little later. This is not a comment on your parenting, or the choice you made to grow your family! This will make your kids more resilient as adults.
Dr. G (Deborah Gilboa, MD) is a Pittsburgh-based parenting expert and family physician. She is the spokesperson for Parenting Expo 2014, next taking place on April 26th and 27th at the Cleveland I-X Center, and then in three more cities this year. Her new book, Get The Behavior You Want... Without Being the Parent You Hate! is available now for pre-order on Amazon.
