Preparing for a second child is a joyous time for a family; at the same time, you are going to need to learn a whole new set of parenting rules. Getting ready for the new arrival and focussing on the birth and consequent caregiving for your new baby can cause your existing child to feel insecure, left out, or jealous.
It is easy to overlook the importance of getting your child involved in the preparations. For them, it can be a time of uncertainty, unrest, and anxiety as they face losing their parents to this unknown newcomer. They may be concerned that they are going to be abandoned in favor of this new baby and so could see it as the enemy.
Although they may understand the concept that a baby grows in a mother’s tummy, it is very different from seeing their mother’s body change shape. That’s without allowing for the impact of the pregnancy on their mother, including the changes in behavior, routine, diet, temperament, and so on. It can be a scary time for a child who has not experienced it before.
Involve Your Child
During the pregnancy, it’s important to help them to be involved, let them feel your tummy and see the ultrasound pictures. Reassure them with your touch and cuddles, let them feel their brother or sister kicking, and don’t let them feel shut out. Helping them to understand will help with their curiosity and also reduce their anxiety about the changes in their lives that they are experiencing. Get them involved in the preparations, such as organizing their new sibling’s nursery. Set routines for certain parts of their day and week that you will be able to continue once you have your baby. This will help them to feel secure about their relationship with you, even though there will be a new kid in town.
As the birth approaches, prepare your child for the arrangements you are putting in place for them. That way, it’s not a surprise when someone else picks them up for school or cares for them. Depending on their age, you may be able to involve them in packing the birth bag or shopping for supplies. Teach them what to expect with a new baby in the house and help them choose a special gift for their brother or sister.
Initially, after their new sibling is born, they are going to have their routines disrupted. Keep the routines in place as much as possible, even when cared for by others, to help them feel secure. They will need to see their new sibling as a part of the family unit, not a threat, so make sure they do not lose all of your attention. For example, continue to keep giving them regular time with just you and them. Involve them in the caregiving, and get them to pass you things as you bathe or change their new sibling. Help them to feel the joy of the new arrival, rather than the stress you will be feeling from having to cope with two children all of a sudden.
Welcoming a second child into your family can be a bit overwhelming at first. The way you will parent once you have two children to juggle will be very different than the way you parented with only one. For your child, the more secure they feel about themselves and your love for them, the more they will be able to cope with these changes. They will be able to be involved with their younger sibling without feeling insecure, anxious, or jealous, as you help them to experience the joy and love that a larger family can bring.
Richard Daniel Curtis is a leading international behavior expert and parenting futurist known as The Kid Calmer (www.thekidcalmer.com) and runs the parenting network Help My Child Grow (helpmychildgrow.com). His fourth book, The Parent's Guide to the Modern World, is due for release in fall 2016.
